I am up to my old tricks again. Back on track with my diet and I bought a new pair of size 10 long dress slacks in black. They are now hanging on the back of my closet door taunting me or encouraging me- depending on the mood and perspective. I have 90 days in which to get into them or I am forced to take them back to Old Navy-- the walk of shame --and return the pants because they don't fit. I can get into these pants, they are just a bit like sausage casing- if you know what I mean, not slacks I could wear in public.
I got a mailing about reunion today. They want me just the way I am, with grey hair and a few extra pounds. Made me feel good, but I don't want me the way I was 18 months ago.
90 days is May 5th. I know I can do it. It may be 10 pounds, and it may be 20 pounds, it may even be 30 pounds, but I doubt it. What ever it is, I know it is doable and I will be a size 10 before the 5th of May. Before that receipt expires!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Mercy
Mercy is kindness beyond what is demanded by fairness. Compassion. I am a person that has generally seen in black and white- as a child I was really concerned about what was fair. At about 10, my step-mother told me I should grow up to be a judge because I was so sure about what was fair.
I am beginning to see that was is fair may miss the point altogether. This is a lesson I am getting over and over again from the universe so maybe I should pay attention now. As a child and through early adulthood I believed that everyone was equal and that to succeed in school and in life you just needed to stay focused and apply yourself and the world was your oyster. True for me, but not for everyone. My daughter has a learning disability so some academic things are harder for her than for some other kids.
My daughter is also unuasually compassionate for a child and always has been. I think she has a lot to teach me. I am learning. I see shades of gray now and try to be compassionate and show mercy for others and for myself. I have been off my program for a while. January was a tough month with ilnesses in the family, a beach vacation and weather issuses that have left me unmotivated. I started again yesterday and I am showing my self mercy and compassion for being imperfect and human on this journey.
For a while I thought I have to learn how do maintain my weight and not write everthing down and plan all my food and exercise. Well I am not where I can do that yet. It doesnt work for me. I guess I just have to write everything down at this point. Weight is 192.
I am beginning to see that was is fair may miss the point altogether. This is a lesson I am getting over and over again from the universe so maybe I should pay attention now. As a child and through early adulthood I believed that everyone was equal and that to succeed in school and in life you just needed to stay focused and apply yourself and the world was your oyster. True for me, but not for everyone. My daughter has a learning disability so some academic things are harder for her than for some other kids.
My daughter is also unuasually compassionate for a child and always has been. I think she has a lot to teach me. I am learning. I see shades of gray now and try to be compassionate and show mercy for others and for myself. I have been off my program for a while. January was a tough month with ilnesses in the family, a beach vacation and weather issuses that have left me unmotivated. I started again yesterday and I am showing my self mercy and compassion for being imperfect and human on this journey.
For a while I thought I have to learn how do maintain my weight and not write everthing down and plan all my food and exercise. Well I am not where I can do that yet. It doesnt work for me. I guess I just have to write everything down at this point. Weight is 192.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Distractions
I have never understood the fascination with video games. They just haven't really interested me.... until now. My daughter got a nintendo DS this week with her Christmas money and now, we are fighting over time on HER DS. It is simply embarrassing that I am so hooked on this.
On of my intentions this year is to re-learn my Chinese characters. When we went back to China last summer my oral language came right back just about 100%, but not my reading of Chinese characters. It was frustrating not to be able to read street signs in characters or Billboard. Menus I was still fine at reading, but I had forgotten so many of the characters I had learned.
Knowing the Allison was going to get a DS most likely. Just before Christmas, I found a game called "Your Chinese Coach" for about $15 at Target on clearance. I thought this might be good and I had just purchased some character work books that I have been using to brush up on my Chinese. Well the game that I play is all character recognition and I am up to lesson 53 in 3 days- I tested into lesson 11. My word recognition is now over 500 and it is fun and great review for me. There are 1000 lessons in all for over about 10,000 words.
I wanted to re-learn the top 1000 this year for recognition of the top 91% of characters found in common use and work up to 3000 by 2013 to get me to 98-99%. With this program, at the rate I am going it could happen in 6-12 months assuming Allison shares her toy. I have been distracted by the game and not very focused on a few other things the past couple of days, but I feel that it is OK because it is educational and I am working on my language skill. The lesson for me is to enjoy the distraction but keep aware of what my priorities are and not to lose focus. Good thing for all of us that we limit screen time to 2 hours per day.
On of my intentions this year is to re-learn my Chinese characters. When we went back to China last summer my oral language came right back just about 100%, but not my reading of Chinese characters. It was frustrating not to be able to read street signs in characters or Billboard. Menus I was still fine at reading, but I had forgotten so many of the characters I had learned.
Knowing the Allison was going to get a DS most likely. Just before Christmas, I found a game called "Your Chinese Coach" for about $15 at Target on clearance. I thought this might be good and I had just purchased some character work books that I have been using to brush up on my Chinese. Well the game that I play is all character recognition and I am up to lesson 53 in 3 days- I tested into lesson 11. My word recognition is now over 500 and it is fun and great review for me. There are 1000 lessons in all for over about 10,000 words.
I wanted to re-learn the top 1000 this year for recognition of the top 91% of characters found in common use and work up to 3000 by 2013 to get me to 98-99%. With this program, at the rate I am going it could happen in 6-12 months assuming Allison shares her toy. I have been distracted by the game and not very focused on a few other things the past couple of days, but I feel that it is OK because it is educational and I am working on my language skill. The lesson for me is to enjoy the distraction but keep aware of what my priorities are and not to lose focus. Good thing for all of us that we limit screen time to 2 hours per day.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Butterfly Effect
What we do effects every body,even galaxies light years away. That is the butterfly effect. The good and the bad we do has ripple effects. I forget this. We are powerful beyond our wildest dreams and we should not forget it.
I get anesthetized to the world, my place in it and my impact on it. I am trying to be better. And I will start with my family and know that my mood and how I show up directly impacts them. I have been on this weight loss and spiritual journey the past year and now I can stop navel gazing and help them get healthy too. It is very exciting.
Think about all the people you touch, how you can show up better and if we all do this, the world and universe will be a better place.
I get anesthetized to the world, my place in it and my impact on it. I am trying to be better. And I will start with my family and know that my mood and how I show up directly impacts them. I have been on this weight loss and spiritual journey the past year and now I can stop navel gazing and help them get healthy too. It is very exciting.
Think about all the people you touch, how you can show up better and if we all do this, the world and universe will be a better place.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Let it Be
I tell my daughter when they were giving out patience I was too impatient to wait and went to a different line. I find myself at this late-ish date praying for patience and humility. Two large short comings in my virtues. It must go along with not wanting to give up control of my life and to surrender. I can now say "let go and let God," and mean it, and believe it a little. This is a huge step for me in the past year. I never used the the G word before our new minister came.
The first step to making anything better is to want it to be better. I think that I would have more peace in my life if I had more patience and humility. It is related to why I have, in the past, over-eaten to stuff down the feelings of frustration or not being valued fully. What does humility feel like? I do not need to make myself be too important because I am at peace with myself and my place in the world? See vanity discussion from yesterday below- but humility is the lack of self pride. If I am more connected to God do I really need self pride? I don't think so.
Where as patience is about surrender to others, to god and to my short comings. I try to believe it will all be as it will. What will be will be. It just hit me "Let it be" is about surrender and patience. My very favorite Beatles song, after my dad signing "I Wanna Hold Your hand" is "Let it Be" and I just now got the lesson.
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
The first step to making anything better is to want it to be better. I think that I would have more peace in my life if I had more patience and humility. It is related to why I have, in the past, over-eaten to stuff down the feelings of frustration or not being valued fully. What does humility feel like? I do not need to make myself be too important because I am at peace with myself and my place in the world? See vanity discussion from yesterday below- but humility is the lack of self pride. If I am more connected to God do I really need self pride? I don't think so.
Where as patience is about surrender to others, to god and to my short comings. I try to believe it will all be as it will. What will be will be. It just hit me "Let it be" is about surrender and patience. My very favorite Beatles song, after my dad signing "I Wanna Hold Your hand" is "Let it Be" and I just now got the lesson.
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Vanity
A big motivator for me is vanity. I want to be a size 10 by my 25th that is and has been the weight loss big, long term goal. The secret is that people who are vain are actually insecure, and covering up for it by being vain. Trying to prove to themselves and the world that they are attractive.
We are all just doing our best going on day to day on this planet. Every one has insecurities and vanities to cover them up. Vanity is like the make up I use to cover my dark circles under my eyes. It doesn't take away the circles but I don't have to look at them, and I don't want to show them to the world. Same with our insecurities. So I think about my reunion and I am trying to cover up my insecurities by losing 65 pounds. That is a lot of cover up, but it doesn't take away the insecurities. I wonder what takes them away. An intention for me was to get rid of my fat self image and it is proving hard to shake.
I saw Oprah makes overs yesterday- look good at any age. Where they took women from frumpy to glam in a few moments. The women didn't recognize themselves. Can we all go glam in a few moments with shorter skirts and tighter tops, eye liner and lip gloss? Maybe. Perhaps the better answer is to accept ourselves where we are on this path, actually love ourselves inside and out, warts and all. Make peace with our tummys and bottoms, arms and legs, chins and cheeks. Then we won't have to be vain we can just be confident.
We are all just doing our best going on day to day on this planet. Every one has insecurities and vanities to cover them up. Vanity is like the make up I use to cover my dark circles under my eyes. It doesn't take away the circles but I don't have to look at them, and I don't want to show them to the world. Same with our insecurities. So I think about my reunion and I am trying to cover up my insecurities by losing 65 pounds. That is a lot of cover up, but it doesn't take away the insecurities. I wonder what takes them away. An intention for me was to get rid of my fat self image and it is proving hard to shake.
I saw Oprah makes overs yesterday- look good at any age. Where they took women from frumpy to glam in a few moments. The women didn't recognize themselves. Can we all go glam in a few moments with shorter skirts and tighter tops, eye liner and lip gloss? Maybe. Perhaps the better answer is to accept ourselves where we are on this path, actually love ourselves inside and out, warts and all. Make peace with our tummys and bottoms, arms and legs, chins and cheeks. Then we won't have to be vain we can just be confident.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Cabin Fever
I am still not quite 100%. Lucky for me I work form home and have only had client scheduled phone calls, not face to face meetings this week so far. I have been very busy but not very effective due to being a bit sick.
I have only left the house this week to get my daughter to and from the bus. I am over 15,000 steps on the pedometer so far today mainly from walking laps in my house while on the phone with a dear friend.
I am going stir crazy being locked up and not out in the world. Back in Minnesota in the dead of winter when it is too cold to do anything we called it cabin fever. I am coming down with it here in North Carolina for the first time in a decade.
Tomorrow I will walk OUTSIDE at the Poet's Walk and can't wait. I am going to the brand new Hillsborough library and to get some organic meat at Weaver St Coop. My throat is still sore and I haven't gotten my appetite back but tomorrow I go back into the world.
I have only left the house this week to get my daughter to and from the bus. I am over 15,000 steps on the pedometer so far today mainly from walking laps in my house while on the phone with a dear friend.
I am going stir crazy being locked up and not out in the world. Back in Minnesota in the dead of winter when it is too cold to do anything we called it cabin fever. I am coming down with it here in North Carolina for the first time in a decade.
Tomorrow I will walk OUTSIDE at the Poet's Walk and can't wait. I am going to the brand new Hillsborough library and to get some organic meat at Weaver St Coop. My throat is still sore and I haven't gotten my appetite back but tomorrow I go back into the world.
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