Oprah and Overachievers

I love Oprah and have for decades. I have admired so much about her, her success, her spirituality and her brilliance on so many fronts. She is my hero. I also have identified with her struggle with weight, and feel like I have gone through all of the ups and downs with her over the years. My weight struggle has been more private, only my husband commenting on my weight not the whole world and tabloids.

Inside the back cover of the March 09 issue of O, Oprah admits to being an overachiever since the age of 3. I can relate. At that age, I am told, my name was Little Miss Bossy. I, like Oprah, have led a life of over-achievement. Straight A's, perfect attendance in school, Graduated high school at 16, Scholar Athlete Award winner, City champ in discus, past or current record holder in high school and college in shot put and discus, graduated College at 20, MBA at 22 then on to a fast paced international career. The first (and only, as far as I know) female to live and work for Cargill (the world largest private corporation) on 3 continents. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have always been good at managing money. I have a thriving Wealth Management business. I feel that I can do anything I put my mind to.......except this weight thing. It is the same for Oprah, successful on all fronts except this weight thing. It is not unique to Oprah and me. In the same issue of O in a letter to the editor a bank VP was sharing the same experience. Over achiever, except on weight management. Weight has always been my area of concern and now I am putting it together that they are related.

Over achievers are trying to prove their value and get approval. My approval came in the form of my Mom saying that she hated kids in high school like me. Not "sweetheart I am so proud of you," that came much later. WUNAM. Bob Greene said to Oprah, "Your weight is ultimately tied to your feelings of unworthiness." WOW never thought of it that way. Oprah says she has been "achieving to prove my worthiness." So have I been trying to prove my worthiness with my achievements and eating to cover the pain? Maybe. Once seeing this can I get past it? I do not believe I am unworthy in my mind and I don't even really believe it in my heart but it must be there on some level. Oprah closes by saying, "Whatever your challenge- overeating, overindulging in any substance or activity, the loss of a relationship, money or position- let it be an open door to your holiest revelations about yourself, an invitation to your best life. This was a holy revelation for me. I have opened the door to my best life.

I got in over 13,000 steps yesterday ate less than 1400 calories and the weight is back down to 188.4 today. I will try everyday to love myself and live my best life.

WUNAM

At the beginning of the year I was making my resolutions and plans for 2009 and I came up with a new mantra to help me through life's little challenges. WUNAM. I started out the year really wanting to be mindful about what I was doing in relationships with people and with food. To not react as so many of us do in charged situations, but to act from my best self. To eat awake, not use food as entertainment and a mind numbing drug, to Wake Up (WU). The NAM is Not About Me, in difficult situations and relationships I find that it is never about me. It is about that person's reaction or where they are coming from, their insecurities and frame of mind and then the fight is my reaction to that person's reaction, my insecurities and my frame of mind. If I keep in the place where I am not reacting unconsciously and I am mindful, then I see that it is not about me. It is very empowering to me that I get to choose my reaction. I find peace and can act from a place of love, not scarcity and anger.

My best self does this. I am not capable of doing this all the time, but I am working on it. When I WUNAM, I am in a better place and I don't eat emotionally. I am not angry and I don't solve my problems with Snickers. Maybe this slippery slope that I have been on for the past 3 days, when I wake up in the morning I am ready to really stick to my plan and then don't, is about emotional eating. Today I vowed to do better than yesterday. My weight is back up to 190.2. I don't even know how that is possible. It can't be real. Probably water weight from too much salt, digestive issues or hormones, all of which will throw off my weight for a day or two, but it got me focused right quick.

I need to admit that I am reacting emotionally to something. WUNAM it. Focus on what I can do positive in my life and do it. Be my best self and act from my best self. Wake up! It is not about me! WUNAM WUNAM WUNAM WUNAM................

Grocery Shopping

I love grocery shopping. I love the grocery adds. I love coupons. I really love triple coupon week. It makes my heart race when I can get Frank's Red Hot and Kraft barbecue sauce for free. In my lessons from the program I am told that you must shop from a grocery list and to stay on the out side aisles. The center only leads to disaster.... How would you know what is on Manager's Special or markdown so you can make up your list? My fridge is full of orange tags from Kroger. I bought the 10 items to save $5 off total order (actually I bought 20 for $10 off and then went back 2 day later and bought 10 more) and with double coupons I ended up some free shells and velveta (for my daughter not me!) and a bunch of other great deals. For a family of 3 we spend less than $400 a month on groceries.

The down side to all of these great deals and triple coupons is that the pantry is full and it drives the mister quite crazy sometimes. He thinks that there will always be the good deals out there. Doesn't he understand that triple coupons comes only once every couple months and that it is reason we get the local Sunday paper in addition to the NY Times? He doesn't have the hording mentality that I have. I feel so much more secure if I know that there is plenty of food in the pantry and even better if I know I got it on sale and used coupons. I think it goes back to the hunters and gatherers. He is a hunter- he know what he is looking for and goes and gets it. Not me, I am a gatherer. I go and check it out, what looks good today? Where are the deals? What can I bring back to the cave? It gives me great pleasure to have saved $47.74 on my most recent Kroger order or almost 50% not including the Manager Special mark downs. Recently, at another store with triple coupons I saved $48.91 on a $33.50 grocery bill.

So what does this have to do with my weight loss journey? I think I have been heavy my whole life because I have been unconsciously afraid that there wouldn't be enough. That if I didn't eat it now I wouldn't have the chance. It was a habit. Stuff your face now so you aren't hungry later, and if you are you have some reserves. I have gotten away from this behavior pattern by being really aware of the quantity of food I eat. But I still love to shop and get great deals.

It is the deals that sometimes mess me up. Yesterday they had a rack of baby back ribs for $3.29, cold but already cooked so that is what we had for dinner. I couldn't resist. I thought I would just have 3 ribs, but I am flirting with the slippery slope right now so I went over and had 4 and a part of one left over from my daughter. I counted it all and am still under my calorie goal for the week. But I can't keep this up. I lost 2.2 pounds in the past week and I don't want to go backwards. I wish I knew why we all are faced with the slippery slope. Some days staying with my program is almost effortless and some days it is almost impossible.

The Slippery Slope

I went over my calories allowance last night at the BBQ fundraiser. Not good choices. I had saved 500 calories and actually ate 700. I haven't walked for 2 days because of rain and time. I am sitting here with the same choice I have every morning. Will I stay on my program or not. I am down about 2 notches on the slippery slope. Do I pick myself up or do I slide?

Last year at this time I was doing great. I had lost 14 pounds in September and first half of October. Then I hit the slopes. First I lost some of my data in the spread sheet where I was tracking my weight and food. Then I spent 3 days cooking for a church function. A week later it was Halloween. No Data for the week around Halloween. I was back on half and half for the beginning of November. Then no data from November 21 to February 5 and I gained back all but 6 pounds. And was waiting to get into the UNC weight loss study.

Here's the slippery slope (From UNC):
High risk situation- no plan- small slip- Negative thinking and no plan- another slip-no come back plan- FALL...........
OR
High risk situation-no plan- small slip-Positive thinking and a plan- Back on Track with goals.
"The earlier you take action, the easier it is to stop your fall."

So I sit here with choices for food and exercise - cookie crisp with my daughter because I blew it last night or cream of wheat like I planned. Walk in the rain or make time later in the day hoping it clears up but committed to get my one hour in. Or blow if off again due to no time with church, a meeting and calls I have scheduled today and besides I haven't done it for 2 days what's another day.

I will try to be positive. I went clothes shopping yesterday and got some great deals and 2 pair of size 10 pants that are very tight so they are my new goal pants. I had enough reserve calories to cover my slip yesterday so I am still getting my clothing allowance. Although I didn't get aerobic exercise for the last 2days I did do 2 classes, an hour each of yoga and Pilate's.

After writing this I will eat my cream of wheat, plan my meals and calories for the day and go walk in the rain. I am not skiing this time, no slopes for me. A slip or 2 or 3 doesn't have to be a fall.

In Praise of Cabbage

My very large and satisfying dinner last night was 170 calories- 1/3 pound of grilled shrimp sprayed with Pam, veg kabobs and 1 cup steamed cabbage. I had a sugar free pudding for dessert that added another 60 calories to bring the total to 230. The trick is to find low cal foods that really satisfy you. Cabbage works great for me at 30 calories per cup. I use it to replace rice and pasta, saving 240 and 195calories per cup respectively. I add it to salads, I make a fabulous beet borscht with lots of cabbage. One night next week we will have boiled cabbage and potatoes for dinner- I now skip adding the really fatty meat to the boiled dinner. I will eat mostly cabbage. I add cabbage to stir fry, to Mexican, oven roasted cabbage when I make pork roast, coleslaw with fat free sour cream, cider vinegar, sweetener and horseradish. Do you get the picture? It seems I eat at least one head my self per week.

I am thinking about starting to use zucchini too. On "The Biggest Loser" they substituted half of the pasta with zucchini ribbons and it looked good. If it were me, I'd have done all zucchini because I like the flavor and texture of zucchini better than pasta. Zucchini is also 30 calories per cup cooked, as is summer squash.

The reason this is so important to my program is that I still like to eat a large quantity of food. I want to feel full or satisfied. I can eat a lot of bulk this way and not have many calories. I don't feel like I am on a diet. I feel that I am just making better choices for my body. And it is showing up on the scales- down to 188 this morning.

I generally eat at least one salad a day for the same reason. Lots of bulk with out the calories especially if I use the spray, at one calorie per squirt I can eat tons with very little calories. My husband has much better self control about quantity. He looks at his plate and knows that he shouldn't eat more than is there. If it is over loaded he thinks to himself,"wow, I am going to put all of that in my body." I had never looked at it that way. I still fill up, but with 2 cups of lettuce at 15 calories and 1 cup of cucumber 20, it is hard to do too much damage.

Do the Big Rocks First

A recent session at the weight loss program was "My Time, My Values" What time do we spend on certain activities and how important are they? I was reminded that I need to do the big rocks first. If you pour sand in jar and then put in the pebbles and last the big rocks, the big rocks don't fit. Reverse the order and it all fits. The big rocks are your primary values, the pebbles are the things you must do and the sand is all the other stuff. The Jewish New Year is this weekend, a great time to look at my values, make amends and do better next year. This weekend is also stewardship Sunday where we kick off the pledge drive at church, another great time to look at my values. Yesterday I talked to my Grandma for the first time in months, we were both feeling guilty for not keeping in better touch. I will do better going forward. What do you value? Lattes, charity or saving for your retirement? Is it all balanced? Getting clear about what the big rocks are for your time and money puts things in perspective and leads to a more balanced life.

Show me your check book and calendar and I will tell you what your values are. We all have the same number of hours in a day, how do you spend yours? My values have shifted a bit this year: less TV, more volunteering and exercise. I am a financial advisor. I help people with money management, retirement income planning and other aspects of comprehensive financial planning. Weight management is not so different. It is fundamentally about what do you value. I am not sure why it took me so long to make that connection. I work around my daughter's schedule because I value time with her over my practice. I fit in my exercise daily and have made my health a big rock. I give of my time and money to the PTA, my under grad college and to my church, and through church I give time and money to the Inter Faith Council (IFC) which runs a shelter and food shelf . Once a month I serve lunch at the IFC. I have begun adding spiritual practices this year and am expanding this in my life. I find that writing these blog is a type of spiritual practice for me, as is focusing on what is right for my body (food and exercise choices). This will continue to evolve for me, how my values are expressed.

Are there time wasters, money wasters, or calorie wasters in your life? When I do waste time money or calories I try to be mindful of what I am doing, not going through life unaware of the choices I am making. I can see from the size of the butts in America that some of us consciously or unconsciously do not value health. Our body size is a direct reflection of how we value diet and exercise. A dutch friend called it "hamburger bodies" . The good news is that now that I have made the connection I have the power to make better choices, to live my values and to do the big rocks first.

10 by 25

My weight loss goal is to be a size 10 by my 25th college reunion. I am well on my way and may reach my goal sooner than June of 2010. I am wearing a size 12 jeans now. So am I size 12? No, I am not because I am also wearing a size 14 jeans these days and a 14 dress and jacket set that I wore to church on Sunday, (purchased 3 years ago at TJ Maxx for $7 and with a lot of hope) is still a bit snug. I know I am no longer a 20W or 2X but what size am I? Today the tank top I have on is a size 3X Emma James from Liz Claiborne, the sweater is a 1X and the pants are a 12. I guess I just don't get it. This is a bit extreme but it illustrates the point. I knew when I bought the top that it was not a 3X ,it fit more like a 1X. Some of the clothes I bought in China over the summer were 4X by Chinese standards and are a large here.

I wish they would come up with a global system to keep sizes in line but I do not see this clothing revolution on the horizon. So how do I know when I reach my goal? When I have a flat tummy? No, because I really don't think that will ever happen. When I fit into 2 different size 10 things? or 50% of the clothes I wear? Maybe it is when I am 175? or 165? I think my body will tell me when I am at the right weight for my height and I feel good. When I eat 1500- 1700 calories on average and walk 10,000 steps per day at a certain point I will stop losing weight because I eat what I burn and find balance. So maybe my goal should be to find balance and finally make peace with my body. To accept it, listen to it and let it tell me when I have reached my goal.

So the lesson is surrender. Let go. Again. I can't control the sizes, they are irrational and that is ok. I can still enjoy getting into clothes I haven't worn for years or bought and never fit in until now. I have been shopping at what my daughter calls my "mall" where I get new clothes out of my closet. For a while every time I would wear a new outfit she'd say, "did you get that at your mall?" I finally bit the bullet and went to the sleepwear mall (a large plastic zipper bag from the back of my closet) and got out the old nighties and PJ's that haven't fit since the wedding. To my pleasant surprised they fit well, mostly. There are still a few things that have never been worn and are still too small. But I have hope and they are goals for me. I feel good when the sizes are smaller than I used to wear. Maybe I am fooling myself but it works for me and keeps me happy and focused.

Counting Calories

I have always had a weird kind of calorie math. I remember in college thinking that is wasn't so bad to have a Snickers and a Diet Coke. Like some how magically the Diet Coke balances the Snickers to a net zero on my body. (Yes, the love affair with Snickers has been going on for a long time.)

It happened again yesterday, I went grocery shopping and had a few small samples. I ate a tiny part of a cookie, a small piece of ham, a slice of apple and a piece of cantaloupe. None of these calories made it into my food journal until it occured to me this morning. I counted the tastes of refried beans while I was cooking in my dinner portion, but I forgot the little bits of peanut butter crackers from my daughter's lunch box and the couple of goldfish from her snack. Little tastes, licks, sips and nibbles seem some how not to count. The food off the kids' plates the taste of your husbands better higher calorie dinner, chips or ice cream all count. I think I need to add a space at the end of the day for all the little invisible calories that I forget to count because I have been under the unconscious illusion that free food has no calories.

That reminds of the Bar Mitsvah we attended last month. There was a lovely brunch after the service and then a great spread at a hotel for dinner and dancing. I had to try everything and there was so much great food and it was going to go to waste. It was free so some how in my twisted mind the calories don't count as much. Or the math is different. Free food is big problem for me to over come. But I see now now that free food is not free. It counts and it is how I choose to spend my calories, OR NOT. I have a choice and hopefully I will make better choices in the future or at least be honest with myself about the calorie math

Red Red Wine

I have always loved the UB40 song Red Red Wine. Red wine is my drug of choice. Last year at this time I was most likely having 1-2 glasses of wine a night, and really enjoying it. I love the velvety feel of a good red wine, but I don't mind Two Buck Chuck for every day drinking. I like red wine and Champagne the best, but I also enjoy white wine in summer especially Tokay Pinot Gris. I like beer from all over the world. I am especially partial to Belgium Trappist Triple (3x the normal alcohol content) but I also like Chinese, Mexican and some American beers like Killian's and Yuenling. I have enjoyed single and blended malt Scotch and gin and tonic for a long time now. I like fruity drinks, margaritas, pina coladas, rum and diet coke and hi balls (ginger ale and whiskey) just like my grandma and grandpa used to drink. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides. I have always known this and although there have been times when I drank more than I should, I don't think that I have ever been chemically dependent where it has negatively impacted my life except to the extent that I have never really considered the calorie cost of drinking. I guess I thought that those calories didn't really count.

I started drinking in high school. We used to go to keg parties down by the Mississippi River. I was 14, which horrifies me now that I have a 10 year old daughter. When I started college at 17 there was a dance with free beer every night of freshman week and, if I remember correctly, once a week thereafter. Much about college was about drinking beer. I guess in my mind it still is. I was just back for a 25th reunion planning meeting and I felt like I was 20 again, drinking and dancing until 1:30 am with classmates and alums 20 years younger. I had a blast; I am sure I would not have been doing that if I still had on those extra 40 pounds.

I don't drink very much any more. I can't afford, (or choose not to afford) the calorie cost of 2 glasses of wine a night. The cost is 150 calories a glass, 300 a day for 30 days or 9000 calories a month which adds 2.5 pounds per month. No wonder I got up to 235 pounds and no wonder the weight is coming off now that I actually count the calories in alcohol. What calories are you consuming that "don't count"?

One calorie: Money and Weight

The difference between being rich and poor is one dollar. If you spend $1 more than you earn you will be poor and if you save and invest $1 less than you earn you will be rich. Same thing with weight. You will be skinny if you eat one calorie less than you burn, and heavy if you eat one calorie more than you burn. Money management has never been an issue for me. I carried a credit card balance once in the 80's for a few months when I bought my second house, I intuitively have always known what I could spend and afford and what I couldn't. I have never known what food I could afford.

A light bulb went on a earlier this year, I have 1500 calories a day to spend how ever I want. If that is on Snickers, fine. If that is on cabbage, fine. I eat what ever I want on my plan, if I can afford it. This makes me feel that I operating from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. It is not about limiting my food and restricting my diet,rather it is about living within my means/ my budget. It empowers me to make better choices and really own my food plan.

I usually start my day with a cup of coffee and plan out my calories for the day. For breakfast I will have .. and morning snack I will have.. lunch... afternoon snack.. dinner.... I estimate the calories and figure out how much wiggle room I have left over for snickers, chips, low cal ice cream, a glass of wine or what ever treat I want. Usually I am right up to my 1500 calorie limit by the end of the day. I spend every calorie I can afford and I don't feel guilty about it.

Today I will have:
B- coffee with 2% milk (I am out of fat free 1/2 and 1/2 and skim)- 70
one Egg, toast and 2 oz ham 75+ 70+ 60=205

Sn- Grapes 1/2 cup 50

L- Turkey sandwich on lite bun with lettuce and mustard 60+80+5=145
one cup navy bean soup 160

D- Chef salad
2 oz ham 2 oz turkey, salad with fat free dressing 200

Total 830 so far, add the snickers -90 and a bag of sun chips- 140 a granola bar -90 rice quakes-70 and root beer float- 80 and I am up to 1300 plenty left over for toast with the chef salad if I want, or a glass of wine or I can come in under budget like I did yesterday when my total was 1350. The result being I was 190.6 this morning. Down .4 from yesterday, down 2 pounds for the week and .6 pounds away from my clothing allowance raise up to $1.50 a day! Can't wait. By the way, all of the goal clothes have come off the closet door. I will wear most them this week. The Capri's are still a little snug but hopefully will look great on Saturday.

Pedometer

I must say when I received my pedometer in the mail from the weight loss study I wasn't impressed. I was actually hoping it was a heart rate monitor I wanted to see how hard I was working in spin class, if I was getting to the target heart rate. My experience is that I never get to the right heart rate because I never push myself to the limits. I never "leave it all" in the race or work out. I don't like working that hard. Even when running in the triathlons I never pushed myself past where I know I have reserves- my buffer. Well I decided to give this at try. Measure your steps for one week and then set a SMART (specific measurable attainable realistic and time bound) goal. OK, so I think I averaged about 6000 steps per day the first week. Still not really impressed with the tool. But I am very analytical and I like to measure things, especially things I can control. Then I hear that you should get 10,000 steps in a day. WOW that's a lot, can I do it? So I try and then my goal is to get my 10k steps in .

I stop going to the spin classes and swimming. No steps. I start finding great walks and walk longer than I have in the past and I suddenly find the exercise that I really enjoy. It clicked for me. I like that every step shows up on the pedometer. I try to get my 10k in a day or at least on average for the week. It is almost 9 am on Sunday and I have 7060 so far. Queenie and I walked up and down the road at 7 am this morning. No traffic, no IPOD, just us and the birds and crisp morning air. It is a spiritual practice for me. It grounds me and gives me time to meditate and think about things in my life. It slows my mind down. I don't even notice I am exercising some times. Yesterday we (dog and I) went on a new trail at the Eno and were on the other side of the river from where we normally walk. It was fabulous. The waterfall from the other side of the river is even better and there is swinging foot bridge that I loved. It was great being 20 feet over the river and seeing the river from that angle. Queenie didn't like the bridge - not solid ground but she did fine.

We live in a great spot for walking. I love to walk by water. Here, there are many walks by different parts of the Eno River: Eno River State Park has about 20 different trails at half a dozen or so different sites, in Hillsborough there is the speedway, the Poets Walk and Ocannechee Mountain. Little River park is around the corner from me. There is Washington Duke and Duke Forest trails that I want to check out in Durham. There are several great walks in Chapel Hill. I like the community center because of the rest rooms. (For the walks with no potty I bring Kleenex, close to nature and all that.)

Walking in nature is my preference but I have been known to walk from one end of the Mpls/ St Paul Airport to the other (over 1 mile one way) and then back before boarding my plane. I walked around the parking lot while waiting at the doctor for my husband. I walk to UNC campus from church when my daughter has choir practice. While waiting for her to get off the bus I pace the driveway. If is raining and I can't walk outside I may go shopping to get steps in or I just walk in the rain. I still enjoy it.

My pedometer is always on. I only take it off to shower or sleep. When wearing a dress I clip it on my panties, and have a little bump. I have given or recommended pedometers to many friends and family. One of these friends is as addicted to hers as I am to mine and told me yesterday that it is her touch stone, like some people wear a cross. It keeps me focused and it is so fun and rewarding to see that number go over 10,000. I find it hard to believe that this is as much exercise as running five miles and that each will burn 500 calories. My knees don't hurt from walking like they do from running and I don't dread it like more intense exercise. I feel a bit like I am cheating on my exercise program by just walking and doing Pilate's and yoga once a week because they give me energy and don't kick my butt. The jeans don't lie. I was wearing size 12 tall jeans last night.

Sportsplex

You have to exercise to loose weight. I have always been pretty athletic but I have never enjoyed exercising. I don't get an adrenaline rush. I am not one of those people who are in bad mood if they have to lie in bed and read all day and miss their work out. In fact I am the opposite of that. I would so much rather curl up with a good book than go work out. Or curl up with a good remote and watch TV or a movie. I can think of a lot of things that I would rather do than go out and exercise. This may be surprising given the fact that I have done 3 triathlons since turning 40 (ok they were super sprints) and I still hold discus records from high school and college. I only exercise for the benefits, because I am supposed to.

I signed up for this weight loss study in January. The same day I went to my intro meeting my husband signed us up for the Sportsplex. So in one day I am in weight loss program and have a gym membership for the first time in my life. We are paying monthly fee for the gym and have year commitment-- not my choice mind you but done is done. So I figure I better get my money's worth since Hubby hasn't grace the door of the Sportplex since he signed us up. Maybe he never intended to and knows that I am too cheap to let the money go to waste so I better use it. Well it has worked, mostly.

I started out trying every class during the week days and found some instructors I liked and some that I didn't like and one I liked but I was just not ready for Zumba and her yoga class that was half down dogs and planks (for what seemed liked 10 minutes each) when my speed was dancer, lotus and child's pose. I did like (read didn't hate) the spin classes and swam a bit which I am good at but find really boring. I felt I was getting good variety and getting my exercise minutes in. I wrote my exercise classes in my planner, if it is scheduled it happens. It was tolerable and it was working. The weight was coming off but I wasn't really enjoying it.

Then I got a pedometer and my life changed. I started walking instead. (More on this tomorrow.) I still go to the Sportsplex for yoga and Pilate's and an occasional spin class and treadmill walk when there is something on TV that I really want to see, like a Vikings game. I have found that the intense exercise classes aren't really for me as my primary exercise. You need to find what you enjoy and then exercise will be so much easier. Try everything and something will click.

Apples and Pears

I am an apple. Most of my friends and family are pears. I have always carried my extra weight in my tummy. Not in my hips. I am now turning into an upside down pear: broad shoulders, thick waist, no butt and skinny legs. (Or maybe a heart...) Buying pants has been a real experience for me and I have learned a lot recently. In high waisted pants I wear a 16, in low rise I wear a 12. How can that be you may ask. Well, it is the lack of hips and big tummy that make that possible.

Of the many pair of pants that I got rid of, some weren't that loose in the waist but the hip were all way too baggy. Plus size pants in America are made for pears not apples. I now realize why I have never needed a belt. My pants have always been tight in the waist, that is the place were they fit or they don't. I never thought about it until now but I am guessing that it is not the same for most women.

I need to buy the right kind of pants. Pleated pants are for pears not apples. Pleated pants are not my friend. They add weight just where I have too much and they add room where I don't need it. So thank goodness flat front and lower rise pants are in style they are so much more flattering as I work my way out of an apple into a banana.

I just found out today that the same is true for short skirts. I am wearing a a size 12 black denim jeans short skirt I bought today. .. 80% off : ) Looks terrific; I am thrilled!

Chinese Food

I love Chinese food. The more authentic the better. Having spent a lot of time in China I consider myself a bit of an expert. I love to cook Chinese food and have since high school. Six course meals are my specialty. Have you ever noticed how much oil and fat is in Chinese food it is ridiculous sometimes. And then there is the rice, one cup of short/medium grain white rice is 270 calories. One regular size (2.07 oz) Snickers bar is 280 calories! How is that even possible?? Chinese people in general are not heavy and in the past have eaten mainly rice and veggies with a little meat. I guess most of their calories are in the rice and the abundant oil that they stir fry everything in.

I can get away from the oil by using Pam,which has no calories. I don't understand how that is possible but I love it. Pam is my new best friend (next to Shirley). I Use Pam all the time now and to make my Kung Pao chicken I only use Pam so the calories are very low. I cooked the veggies in water and "fry" the marinated chicken in Pam and thicken with corn starch. It is fabulous, healthy and low calorie.

Well I have never loved rice the way my family does or the way I love Snickers. So I gave up rice I just don't eat it anymore for the most part. Too rich for my blood; too many calories for my tummy. I do really enjoy cabbage- 1 cup cooked cabbage is 30 calories! BINGO there is my rice substitute. I make steamed cabbage for me, rice for the family and I love Chinese food again.

Kung Pao Recipe- feeds 3
1 boneless skinless chicken breast- diced (130)
1 carrot-diced (30)
1 celery stalk-diced (10)
1/4 cuke-diced (10)
1T corn starch (30)
1T Soy sauce (10)
2T Oyster sauce (50)
1 scallion chopped (5)
Hot pepper sauce and peanuts to taste on top (My family doesn't eat spicy so I put lots of peppers in mine only)

Marinate the chicken in soy sauce and 1/2 of the corn starch, "fry" in Pam until just under done. Remove from pan. Add veggies to pan cook with water and rest of corn starch until just under done. Add oyster sauce and chicken cook together for 1-2 minutes. Garnish with peanuts and scallion.

TOTAL calories 275 (not per serving) without peanuts or pepper sauce. Isn't that amazing and if I put on 1/4 cup of peanuts it adds 160 calories- so careful with the peanuts. I had to tell my husband to take the peanuts to work today because I don't want them in the house.

So I have my 150 calorie portion including peanuts with 1 cup of steamed cabbage (30) and am very very happy. I make egg drop soup, which is just one egg, chicken bullion powder and corn starch, cuke with Asian dressing (Ken's low cal) and extra garlic for the salad and they have a big pot of rice that I don't touch. It is not the 6 course meals I used to make with lemon chicken, Bacon corn sugar and red peppers, fried won tons or egg rolls and everything cooked in lots of peanut oil but it is close enough to make me very happy. I love Chinese food and now it loves me back and doesn't take me off my plan. Down to 191.8 this morning after a great Chinese meal last night. No guilt and great results. Stay tuned for pork in garlic sauce, mushu, lettuce wraps, tom yum and other Asian delights that I make lo-cal and delicious with out the guilt, oil and calories.

Be present

The universe gives you lessons if you pay attention. If you don't learn the lesson then you get the same lesson again. (and again and again) Paying attention is the key. Be present. Wake up. I got a small lesson today in the form of a flat tire. I wasn't paying attention and hit a huge pot hole; there went my tire and bent my rim. I was stuck. Hey didn't the same thing happen about 5 years ago? Yeah- pay attention. Wake up. So I call AAA, then the school bus garage so they could alert the bus driver, and then a classmate's parents so she could get off the bus at their house. I'll get my new tire tomorrow and am driving around on a full spare. Not too bad but still...

While waiting for AAA I took the time to get in a few more steps on the pedometer, relax abit. I was walking up and down the sidewalk when the truck came to rescue me. Use the time for good not for sitting and stewing about being stupid and blowing out my tire. Everything worked out fine.... this time. Pay attention so we don't have to do this again. It wasn't a fun afternoon.

So the lesson is to pay attention. And to pay more attention to my food and what I am eating. I went over my calories yesterday 1550- no $1 in my account for yesterday unless I make up the calories today. I had too much to do and just wasn't present. Back-to-back plans (drop off daughter, walk 1 hour, Breakfast meeting, coffee at a friend's, serve lunch at the soup kitchen, lunch with former co-workers, shopping) . 10 pounds in a 5 pound bag as usual. Take a few deep breaths and relax. I didn't plan my meals today to the detail I have in the past. Going on auto pilot doesn't work in life or eating.

Too many of us go through life on auto pilot not paying attention in life, in relationships, and in food choices. This program has really helped me to get intentional about my eating. To plan, budget and own my food choices. I don't unconsciously eat a bag of chips or cookies anymore. If I have junk food it is 100 calorie pack or a measured out amount so I know how many calories I am consuming. I am present and I enjoy it. Have you ever eaten something, not paid attention and then thought- "what just happened? Did I finish that? I don't remember eating it." Well I used to do it all the time. Unconscious eating. Now I try to take small bites not shoving every thing in at once. Finish what is in my mouth before going on to the next bite. I don't do it all the time, but I am trying. It is really more satisfying. Life is more satisfying if you are present and intentional. Wake up. I will try to do better tomorrow. I hope I have learned this lesson. If not I am sure that the opportunity will be there again in the future.

Skinny People

My husband and my mom have each gained 5-10 pounds in the last 40 years. They are naturally thin. Born that way. It is their metabolism. My husband always keeps potato chips and doughnuts in the house. Eats chocolate all the time. Can sit down and polish off 1/3 of a container of Breyer's ice cream in one sitting. My mom loves sweets and real cream and cheese. Mom eats every 2-3 hours like clock work. What about those French people with all the froi gras and brie? How can they stay so slim? It is that I am "big Boned" and unlucky? That some how the math rules of calories in and out don't apply to them?

I have gone under cover and researched these very strange (to me and my experience) creatures. It helps with the research if they live with you or submit a food journal for a week (thanks mom). And guess what? They aren't lucky or naturally thin. They consistently eat the amount of calories that will maintain their current weight. Yes they both eat Ben and Jerry's but in moderation or if they over indulge they eat less the next meal or day. (?!!??) That has not been my experience. Ever. If I over eat then I just eat normally the next day- they don't. I have been known to call my husband a snake because if he eats a big meal he will skip breakfast and lunch the next day. I have never in my life skipped 2 meals in a row unless for medical reasons.

So people are skinny for the same reasons that people are heavy. Calories in and calories out. Hopefully, I can learn from this and change my behavior. But the real lesson for me has been that I can't blame my weight on bone structure or DNA. My body is a direct representation of my life time of eating and exercise SO FAR. And it is changing, representing my new life style. If I keep up with the 1500 calories and not much exercise I should settle out around 165-170. And at that point the more I exercise the more snickers I can eat.

The Bathroom Scale

I have a real robust relationship with my bathroom scale, complete with drama and honeymoon periods. We have our ups and downs. I thought we were in good place but I have been betrayed again. This morning and yesterday morning I woke up looking forward to the number on the scale looking back at me. I have been under my calories goal and over my exercise goal and weight loss is just simple math. I was thinking about calling this the math diet. It is really energy in energy out; calories are a measure of energy. Simple science and the results should be plain and predictable. They are over time just not daily.

Here's the math: My metabolic rate is 1600 calories per day estimated based on my age weight and height. One mile walked/ jogged etc burns 100 calories on average. It takes 3500 calories not consumed or used to burn one pound of stored energy (FAT) . So if I walk 10,000 steps per day (5 miles) and eat 1500 calories my deficit will be 600 calories per day or 4200per week and I should loose 1.2 pounds per week.

This week I have eaten less than 10,000 calories and walked more than 10,000 steps per day on average. I started the week at 193.6 and was down to 191 feeling great-- whoo hoo lost 2.6 pounds yeah! Then yesterday I was up to 191.4 and then today back to 193.6 no loss at all (!!!) and I wanted to pick up scale and throw it out the window. This was after I had weighed myself no less than 3 times in a row with the same number coming up.

At least now we are in a place where we are seeing each other on a daily basis. Where as in the past when I knew there was only bad news- maybe once a month with one eye closed and teeth clenched.

Today I have had TWO fun sized snickers. I have been hungry and snacky, but stayed within my plan. It is so hard to keep motivated when you feel betrayed. I am keeping up my end- 1500 cal, weigh daily and exercise. The scale will get back in line the results will show IF I stay on the program.

Find Your Currency: The New Clothes Bank Account

I went through a long stretch this summer where I was cheating a lot, not counting every calorie every day. Days, and one whole week I just stopped counting, like everything was free. Well guess what? My weight loss stopped. I gained a few pounds. The program wasn't working. I wasn't working the program 100%.

Just when I needed it, the topic at the monthly meeting was how to stay motivated. Reward yourself for meeting your exercise goals, for meeting your calorie goals. I was at a loss- what kind of rewards could I have except snickers? (Which would defeat the point.) I thought for a few days and then the light bulb went off. I love to bargain hunt. I love to shop. I love to shop for new clothes now that I can go into a store and buy things from the normal sizes and they fit! So I have been buying some new clothes and spending very little. I usually never spend more than $10 on anything, so we are not talking about a lot of money. I decided to pay myself $1 per day for every day that I meet my calorie goal. I can carry calories over so if I eat less one day I can eat more the next as long as my average is at or under 1500. I have to count every thing. If I meet the goal for the week there is a $3 bonus (=$10/ week) and if am at goal for the month a $10 bonus. ($50 per month). Every 10 pounds I get a 50 cent raise ( I am 3#s away from my first raise and I started this Sept 1) I have the opportunity to have $75 then $100 per month to spend on me! New clothes, movie rental (red box$1) etc. The catch is that I can't buy any clothes unless I have money in the account on my spread sheet.

I have $4 left after I bought a size 14 out fit today at Ross for $8. Red and black jacket like top (pictured above) and black pants. The pants fit great but the top is snug across the chest and it now hangs on my closet door so I can look at it. It is another goal piece. While shopping we got Queenie (boxer mix) a cute pink tank top that says "Princess" for 70 cents at Target and new collar and leash in pink to match also 70 cents each. Like I said I love a bargain. At target I also picked up 2 bags of fun sized snickers for $5.

I do have other ways to get money into my account and fines for not meeting my exercise goals. If I don't exercise 300 minutes a week I get a $5 fine. Not really an issue since I plan and schedule my exercise and haven't missed the weekly goal so far. For this weight loss study I get paid (!) to be a participant. For going to my 6month assessment I got $25 so I started the account with that. I have also taken some of the clothes to the consignment shop and if I get any money from that I will put it in my 'account' for new clothes. I haven't missed a day yet on the calorie goal since 9/1 and haven't gone into the red. So far this month I have gotten (before today):

$1 Black Tee W
$8 Capri jeans K
$6 -2 pr long shorts to work out in W
$14 a sweater and a double tank top K

Great deals except the sweater was $10.80 (originally $54/ 80% off) but I have been coveting it for 4 months and it was in Oprah's Mag. I had bought several similar for 90% off but I really wanted this color which was more for some reason.

My motivational program worked! I am sure this won't work for every one or maybe most. But I am sure that every one has one (at least) guilty pleasure that they can successfully use to manipulate themselves into doing what is in there own best interest. Find your currency.

My Weight Loss Story

Why would I call it the snickers diet? 1) I think I would be a size 10 if I never had a snickers in my life and 2) I have lost over 40#s in the past year and eaten more snickers (fun size 90 calories) than in the past 5 years and 3) because I judge food by a comparison with a snickers.

Would I rather have a cup of rice or a snickers bar - full size- same calories? How about a small glass of wine or a fun size snickers? It really puts things in perspective for me. Snickers are my diet currency- or gold standard.

I have always been plump. Pleasingly plump, pumpkin (not princess), sack o' potatoes, strong, athletic. Never slim as a child or adult.

One year a ago I was a size 2X/ or 20W that's pretty big. I am now down to a size 16 have gotten rid of 6 garbage bags of clothes and can fit into many of my goal clothes. I have always had several sizes of clothes in my closet at any given time from10-24 most recently. The ones I used to fit into once long ago and the ones I never fit into that I bought hoping I would fit into one day. Happy to say that the big clothes for the most part are gone. I have kept a few 2x T-shirts for working out in, but if the clothes are too baggy and not flattering they are gone.

My goal is to be size 10 for the first time in my life by my 25th college reunion in June. If you are still reading then maybe you want to know how I did it. Another name for the program I am on is the Math Diet- calories in and calories out. I joined the UNC weight loss study in March 09 and I have pretty much kept to 1500 calories a day and at least 300 minutes of exercise most weeks. But how do you do it? Plan the calories, schedule the exercise, eat lots of cabbage, lettuce and fun size snickers everyday. Weigh and measure everything and count every calorie that goes in you mouth. If you eat 1500 calories (really, you have to count the tastes licks nibbles the bit off your kid's plate and tastes while you are cooking because they count and they add up and they show up on your tummy on the outside) and walk 10,000 steps every day you will loose weight if you are over weight.

So today I am at my lowest weight since my wedding in 1995. Today I have had 1250 calories and walked 50 minutes with dog around UNC campus while my daughter had choir practice rather than sitting waiting, chatting, making calls or reading, I was getting my steps in. Not going to make it to 10k today, but I am at 7,791 or just under 4 miles. I also got up for 7a yoga at the sportsplex.

I reorganized my closet and got rid of about 10 more things that just aren't flattering anymore (if they ever were). I planned a few outfits and reorganized my dresser. Soon I will get out all the PJs that I have been keeping that I haven't been able to wear. I have 4 goal pieces hanging on my closet door(pictured above) a red top that used to look smashing in Memphis and Amsterdam, 2 pair of slacks one 12 and one 14 and a pair of size 12 jean Capri's. I'll let you know when they fit.