I am a very practical and frugal person and have never been one for luxury items. But now, after losing more than 50 pounds I am drawn to luxury items and treats for myself. I think it is related to the weight. I felt I didn't deserve expensive luxury items and now some how things have shifted; I feel a need to treat my self to some nice expensive things every once in a while.
Perhaps this shift has occurred because I have taken ownership of my life and am becoming more myself and living authentically. Or that since I am depriving myself on some levels I need to treat myself on others. Psychologically it is an interesting question.
It may be related to self esteem. That is what I have gained from losing 50 pounds. I have always been heavy or plump and I think that damaged my self esteem and then I ate to feel better and gained more weight and lost more self confidence which lead to more weight gain and then you spiral down and are a size 20 for 10 years. The luxury items and feeling that I am worth it, is a reflection of my new self confidence and self esteem. My body image has improved greatly and I have stopped beating myself up for my weight, FINALLY. This is all new behavior for me. Completely out of character. I am coming into a new more powerful stage in my life- I value me.
I am happier than I have been in a long time. "In order to be happy, the study subjects most needed to believe they were autonomous and competent, to have self-esteem and to feel a sense of closeness with others." (From a study of college students in the February '01 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) Getting a Jaguar didn't make me happy or fill a hole in my life. But losing the weight gave me the self esteem I had been lacking and filled up the hole that allowed me to believe I could treat myself to my dream car and that I am valuable.
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My personal belief is that I have to accept that that hole, which for me is a yearning for completion/oneness/bonding with the divine, is always going to be there to some extent in this life.......and that engaging with it, living with it, accepting it, surrendering to it, obeying it, being with it.......that's the challenging.......not succumbing to the lie and false hopes that I can fill it with ANYTHING, even food. I need to accept what is, show up, be intentional, be conscious, and stop substituting false substitutes in the way of addictions for the real deal. Then, and only then, will I move beyond this yearning to feed my soul with ultimately unfulfilling sustenance in the form of calories.
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