On a reunion planning call today I mentioned my goal of being a 10 by the 25th reunion, and that I was a 12 and had lost almost 50 pounds. "Wow, how does it feel?" I hadn't thought about that question. I feel no different really. It is like when you are a kid and you have your birthday and they ask, "how does it feel to be 10,13 etc?" Kinda just like it did yesterday when I was 9, 12 etc. It is still the same me, with small imperceivable changes.
The problem with slow gradual weight loss is that you just can't tell. I can feel a difference in my energy level, my fitness and definitely the way the clothes feel. But I look at myself naked in the mirror and it seems to be the same body stepping into the shower as yesterday and all the yesterday's before. I still see the same tummy, it shrunk so slowly I couldn't tell. The same thing happened when I gained the weight. I didn't see it.... Until I saw it on the scale. How can that be? That you can loose and gain 50 pounds and not notice except for how the clothes fit? I must have some kind of crazy perspective.
Upon reflection really trying to see and feel the change, I can say, I feel :
Proud- that I have come this far, that my life is on a healthy path, that I am attractive again.
Light- that I take up less room, move faster and have a healthy glow.
Powerful- I can see and feel my muscles, control my eating and weight, and make good choices.
Confident- if I can do this and stick with it, the hardest thing for me in my life so far, I can do anything.
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This blog entry reminded my of Sandra Cisnero's great short story "Eleven". I'll share it with you sometime Kari if you're never read it ...actually, your daughter Allison might like to read it or hear it also. I use it with students when I teach writing as it is so beautifully written with a universal theme that anyone can relate to. Fifth graders love it, but college students and adult writing students love it as well. It is about a girl who wakes up on her eleventh birthday and finds out that "...when hou're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one." And that "....the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my litttle wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one." Maybe the way we grow thin is like that too. Like when we hit that size 10, we've also got size 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 1x, 2x, 3x, etc. all still inside us..........and that we need to embrace all of those sizes just like we need to embrace all of those ages that we were once and still are in many ways. Something to think about........
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